Wednesday, April 17, 2002
WHAT UP???
Ironically, it is 10:50pm and I just walked in the door from Penelope's house. Um?
I used to go over there and spend like 2 hours and bolt and now I just can't leave. We had an awesome time. We played the ever so popular "question game" and we laughed, smoked, drank, whatever. It is very rare that I think I overstay my welcome. If I run into a situation where I want to stay, but feel I should leave, I will ask over and over "I should go. Right?". But Penelope seemed to enjoy me staying so I did. In fact, when her brother Ethan started dying of hunger, I felt like she still wanted me to stay. We just had so much fun. It was chill. It was cool. It was exactly what I needed today. I had a good time. Scratch that. I had a wonderful time.
Bitch need to get an air conditioner though. SO KIDDING! Kelly and I lived in a no air conditioner house during the worst weeks of the summer and we felt awful when visitors came. But to be honest...fuck the visitors...who cares what they think! You got to LIVE in that sauna. Who gives a shit what visitors feel when they come down...they get to go home later!
So yeah... I had such an amazing time. We talked about movies, actors/actresses, Dawson's Creek, V, damn...I went over there feeling like shit. Cuz I HADN'T shit all day...and then I dumped the minute I got there and life just got better.
Did I really just say that?
Did I really just say "And then I dumped the minute I got there"? Someone remind me that I am gay and that I have more class than that.
I thought that I might run into Kelly tonight. She was supposed to be home around 11pm and it is about that time now. I figured she would shit herself if she saw me up and milling about at the wee hours of the morning. (10:30pm)
So...big weekend coming up. Jessica will be here on Friday. I am excited and curious at the same time. We have never had Ryan AND Jessica for a visit since we moved to NYC. Never has happened. It is going to be interesting. Kelly doesn't know Ryan very well...and Penelope don't know either of them at all...but they will both see how Creepsville this whole situation is. Ryan is hard to explain. He gives you the creeps, but you can't EXACTLY pin point why. He will hit on you, cuz that is just his way. Don't matter if you are gay or straight, black or blue, Jewish or Hindu, the kid will make you feel as though when he says: "How are you?", you hear: "May I eat your cunt?". It's all very bizarre, but it will ring true if you meet him.
Side note...
The cab I took home smelled like curry diarehea. I don't remember how to spell diarehhea. It really smelled like that. BADLY. Then at some points, I smelled an exceptional amount of fart mixed in with the curry.
My Deduction-----
This cab driver ate a curry dinner at the beginning of his shift. When I jumped in, he was at the brink of bursting into horrible bouts of cramps and intestinal chaos. I smelled his dinner and his aftermath in the air...and I was horrified.
The worst part about it....
I sit here typing and smell it on my clothes.
DO I HAVE TO TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER NOW? Bullshit!
man i stink.
So, Jessica coming is a big event. She is a great visitor. We will laugh, we will talk, and it will remind Rita and I of the old days. And I think we are due. The exceptionally strange part of it is that Jessica never mentioned calling Stacey while she was here. I guess that friendship is done.
I just heard the door slam. Is Kelly home????
I think so...
I wait in anticipation to shock the shit out of her that I am awake still.....
Waiting.....
waiting..................
still think I might hear her........
Nope, I don't think it is her.
Anyhoodle...I wonder if anyone will go this far down in today's entry and read all this. Once you get past the first scrolldown, I find that people give up on you. That's ok. Cuz deepdown, writing in this journal gives me this crazy sense of purpose. It's like a project and even when I don't want to do it, I do. I feel like I should commit to it or nothing. I am sure, someday soon, I will lose it. And once I lose it, it's done. Somewhat like what Rita did. Except that I will leave my page up to represent the legacy that was Joe CuttheShit. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
yeah.
So Edward is coming to visit in May. UM?!?!?!? Motha fuckers....please sit me down before his visit and ask me how important it is that his and my time go well.
Edward is my unrequited love. I loved. He was straight. But we made out. We slept in the same bed together, me holding him in my arms. He is first and foremost a friend. But...he is the only guy that I have ever questioned Paul for. There was Ian...but that was flingish. Stupid sex. And not worth it by any means. Edward...he is someone I fell for. Someone, that in SOME ways, I obsessed over. Why? He is not my type. He is straight and he is exactly what I am NOT looking for in a future "husband".
There are two people in my life that I will always wonder about....or at least at this point in my life always wonder about...
Edward is one...and there is another. The other is even more dangerous. It is somebody that, if it worked, would change the entire person I call Joe CuttheShit.
But Edward is someone that I always wonder about a lot more frequently. One time, Rita and I went to this psychic. It could have been better, but we all found ourselves finding out something that has stuck with us forever. Or at least I did. The psychic said that, since I was a Cancer and I love hard, I will have three major loves in my life. Oh...and that I will be successful in my chosen career. But don't those bitches always say that?
So three loves....
The first love, I question,....in my mind, it was always BJ. I thought he was the guy that I would spend the rest of my life with. There was nothing that could ever change the bond that he and I had. It was the first all consuming love experience that I have ever had. And now...we don't speak at all.
And it wasn't a relationship by any justifiable terms. So was he my first? I think probably. I fell for him hard. So it counts, right?
Paul is the second. Paul, like BJ, is NOTHING that I EVER thought I would fall for. But I did. And once again, hard. But different hard. So different. I remember Kelly and I sitting in the parking lot of the Guilderland Library and me sobbing to her that I needed him. That something inside of me needed to be with HIM. Kelly, having experienced me not like any guy I dated, and always breaking up with EVERYONE, was the person who gave me my geared me towards a relationship with Paul. We changed our weekend plans of going to NYC that weekend and ended up going back to Boston so that I could figure things out with Paul. Man. She has done some incredible things for me. Things that no one has ever done. She has EARNED a place in my heart that could never and WILL never be forgotten or filled. Kelly believes in me and always has. She brought me to Paul, thus bringing in my second love.
SO! LONG TANGENT short....or still kind of long...do I have a third left? Is Paul my life partner? Is he my final man? I feel like it could work itself out so that the answer is yes, but....I still feel something missing.
Will my third combine body AND soul? Not so much body, but a physical something that I would die for? I feel like that is one of the biggest things holding Paul and I back. I just don't get as excited over him as I want to be. SUPRISE FOLKS! I am not a virgin just because I am trying to make it special....he won't let go completely with me. THAT holds up back from crossing over into the anal.
WOW.
So...there is all this shit. I find myself dwelling and dwelling unecessarily about it 300 times a day. I try not to overdue it with my close peeps, cuz who wants to hear that shit all the time? But some days are definitely harder than others. Last week, life was fucking grand and all things seemed hunky dory. (I fucking hate hunky dory as a saying) But this week...all REALLY GREAT...but the Paul problems are becoming increasingly harder to bear. I said last week that he and I haved moved to another level. We have. But now there are different problems to face. And above it all...I just keep loving him more. It is so scary not to be able to just stop it. I am so used to playing the game and getting what I want. I always get what I want. :(
But when it counts, when it is Paul and my whole relationship, I don't get anything that I want. It is a lesson I have to learn and live with every day. I HATE LONG DISTANCE to begin with. I always told myself "NO!. That could never work." And her I am. Having it work, but having it be the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire life. Paul and I spent 6 months living in the same area. 6 FUCKING MONTHS! That's it! We have been together 2 years and 3 months. And we are still kicking. I try to be proud. But I have never known a whole week, a full 7 days, of the feeling "I have a boyfriend that I love." I have had long weekends. I have had 6 days in a row. Once or twice before. But I don't know what it is like to get sick of my boyfriend. I don't know what it is like to want him "to go out with his friends and me go out with my friends". It chokes me up. I had much higher expectations for this. And after 2 years, the arguement is still:"When are you going to move near me?"
Deep down I truly want him to do what he wants. I respect every decision he makes because I truly respect him. Paul is someone that I look up to and want to be. He is my perfect balance. He is good at things that I am bad at and vice versa. We fit like a puzzle.
Because I believe this so truly that I have stayed with him this long, I really wonder what it would be like for us to be together full time. Would it work? Could it work? Are we a REAL couple? Or are we just a fantasy that we have been trying so desparately to live? If he actually moved here, would I still love him just the same? Gosh. The question that breaks my head open. I just don't know. I don't push him into moving. I whine, like a bitch sometimes, but I don't put any pressure on him. Maybe I have a couple times...but it hasn't been an issue anyway. But deep down...I am dying. If Mariah moves and he has a bad roommate, I can't go visit. Especially if he has to work one of the nights. And if he visits me and Mariah in NYC at the same time...I can't handle that. It will really hurt. I will never make it a problem, but it will crush me.
So all of this...and you know what???
fucking enough.
This has been a wonderfully introspective evening. The weather makes me so happy I want to cry. Thank G-d for Penelope. (Look...I left out the "O" for you so that you wouldn't have to bury this entry.)
I hope everyone feels good.
Peayce.
Ironically, it is 10:50pm and I just walked in the door from Penelope's house. Um?
I used to go over there and spend like 2 hours and bolt and now I just can't leave. We had an awesome time. We played the ever so popular "question game" and we laughed, smoked, drank, whatever. It is very rare that I think I overstay my welcome. If I run into a situation where I want to stay, but feel I should leave, I will ask over and over "I should go. Right?". But Penelope seemed to enjoy me staying so I did. In fact, when her brother Ethan started dying of hunger, I felt like she still wanted me to stay. We just had so much fun. It was chill. It was cool. It was exactly what I needed today. I had a good time. Scratch that. I had a wonderful time.
Bitch need to get an air conditioner though. SO KIDDING! Kelly and I lived in a no air conditioner house during the worst weeks of the summer and we felt awful when visitors came. But to be honest...fuck the visitors...who cares what they think! You got to LIVE in that sauna. Who gives a shit what visitors feel when they come down...they get to go home later!
So yeah... I had such an amazing time. We talked about movies, actors/actresses, Dawson's Creek, V, damn...I went over there feeling like shit. Cuz I HADN'T shit all day...and then I dumped the minute I got there and life just got better.
Did I really just say that?
Did I really just say "And then I dumped the minute I got there"? Someone remind me that I am gay and that I have more class than that.
I thought that I might run into Kelly tonight. She was supposed to be home around 11pm and it is about that time now. I figured she would shit herself if she saw me up and milling about at the wee hours of the morning. (10:30pm)
So...big weekend coming up. Jessica will be here on Friday. I am excited and curious at the same time. We have never had Ryan AND Jessica for a visit since we moved to NYC. Never has happened. It is going to be interesting. Kelly doesn't know Ryan very well...and Penelope don't know either of them at all...but they will both see how Creepsville this whole situation is. Ryan is hard to explain. He gives you the creeps, but you can't EXACTLY pin point why. He will hit on you, cuz that is just his way. Don't matter if you are gay or straight, black or blue, Jewish or Hindu, the kid will make you feel as though when he says: "How are you?", you hear: "May I eat your cunt?". It's all very bizarre, but it will ring true if you meet him.
Side note...
The cab I took home smelled like curry diarehea. I don't remember how to spell diarehhea. It really smelled like that. BADLY. Then at some points, I smelled an exceptional amount of fart mixed in with the curry.
My Deduction-----
This cab driver ate a curry dinner at the beginning of his shift. When I jumped in, he was at the brink of bursting into horrible bouts of cramps and intestinal chaos. I smelled his dinner and his aftermath in the air...and I was horrified.
The worst part about it....
I sit here typing and smell it on my clothes.
DO I HAVE TO TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER NOW? Bullshit!
man i stink.
So, Jessica coming is a big event. She is a great visitor. We will laugh, we will talk, and it will remind Rita and I of the old days. And I think we are due. The exceptionally strange part of it is that Jessica never mentioned calling Stacey while she was here. I guess that friendship is done.
I just heard the door slam. Is Kelly home????
I think so...
I wait in anticipation to shock the shit out of her that I am awake still.....
Waiting.....
waiting..................
still think I might hear her........
Nope, I don't think it is her.
Anyhoodle...I wonder if anyone will go this far down in today's entry and read all this. Once you get past the first scrolldown, I find that people give up on you. That's ok. Cuz deepdown, writing in this journal gives me this crazy sense of purpose. It's like a project and even when I don't want to do it, I do. I feel like I should commit to it or nothing. I am sure, someday soon, I will lose it. And once I lose it, it's done. Somewhat like what Rita did. Except that I will leave my page up to represent the legacy that was Joe CuttheShit. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
yeah.
So Edward is coming to visit in May. UM?!?!?!? Motha fuckers....please sit me down before his visit and ask me how important it is that his and my time go well.
Edward is my unrequited love. I loved. He was straight. But we made out. We slept in the same bed together, me holding him in my arms. He is first and foremost a friend. But...he is the only guy that I have ever questioned Paul for. There was Ian...but that was flingish. Stupid sex. And not worth it by any means. Edward...he is someone I fell for. Someone, that in SOME ways, I obsessed over. Why? He is not my type. He is straight and he is exactly what I am NOT looking for in a future "husband".
There are two people in my life that I will always wonder about....or at least at this point in my life always wonder about...
Edward is one...and there is another. The other is even more dangerous. It is somebody that, if it worked, would change the entire person I call Joe CuttheShit.
But Edward is someone that I always wonder about a lot more frequently. One time, Rita and I went to this psychic. It could have been better, but we all found ourselves finding out something that has stuck with us forever. Or at least I did. The psychic said that, since I was a Cancer and I love hard, I will have three major loves in my life. Oh...and that I will be successful in my chosen career. But don't those bitches always say that?
So three loves....
The first love, I question,....in my mind, it was always BJ. I thought he was the guy that I would spend the rest of my life with. There was nothing that could ever change the bond that he and I had. It was the first all consuming love experience that I have ever had. And now...we don't speak at all.
And it wasn't a relationship by any justifiable terms. So was he my first? I think probably. I fell for him hard. So it counts, right?
Paul is the second. Paul, like BJ, is NOTHING that I EVER thought I would fall for. But I did. And once again, hard. But different hard. So different. I remember Kelly and I sitting in the parking lot of the Guilderland Library and me sobbing to her that I needed him. That something inside of me needed to be with HIM. Kelly, having experienced me not like any guy I dated, and always breaking up with EVERYONE, was the person who gave me my geared me towards a relationship with Paul. We changed our weekend plans of going to NYC that weekend and ended up going back to Boston so that I could figure things out with Paul. Man. She has done some incredible things for me. Things that no one has ever done. She has EARNED a place in my heart that could never and WILL never be forgotten or filled. Kelly believes in me and always has. She brought me to Paul, thus bringing in my second love.
SO! LONG TANGENT short....or still kind of long...do I have a third left? Is Paul my life partner? Is he my final man? I feel like it could work itself out so that the answer is yes, but....I still feel something missing.
Will my third combine body AND soul? Not so much body, but a physical something that I would die for? I feel like that is one of the biggest things holding Paul and I back. I just don't get as excited over him as I want to be. SUPRISE FOLKS! I am not a virgin just because I am trying to make it special....he won't let go completely with me. THAT holds up back from crossing over into the anal.
WOW.
So...there is all this shit. I find myself dwelling and dwelling unecessarily about it 300 times a day. I try not to overdue it with my close peeps, cuz who wants to hear that shit all the time? But some days are definitely harder than others. Last week, life was fucking grand and all things seemed hunky dory. (I fucking hate hunky dory as a saying) But this week...all REALLY GREAT...but the Paul problems are becoming increasingly harder to bear. I said last week that he and I haved moved to another level. We have. But now there are different problems to face. And above it all...I just keep loving him more. It is so scary not to be able to just stop it. I am so used to playing the game and getting what I want. I always get what I want. :(
But when it counts, when it is Paul and my whole relationship, I don't get anything that I want. It is a lesson I have to learn and live with every day. I HATE LONG DISTANCE to begin with. I always told myself "NO!. That could never work." And her I am. Having it work, but having it be the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire life. Paul and I spent 6 months living in the same area. 6 FUCKING MONTHS! That's it! We have been together 2 years and 3 months. And we are still kicking. I try to be proud. But I have never known a whole week, a full 7 days, of the feeling "I have a boyfriend that I love." I have had long weekends. I have had 6 days in a row. Once or twice before. But I don't know what it is like to get sick of my boyfriend. I don't know what it is like to want him "to go out with his friends and me go out with my friends". It chokes me up. I had much higher expectations for this. And after 2 years, the arguement is still:"When are you going to move near me?"
Deep down I truly want him to do what he wants. I respect every decision he makes because I truly respect him. Paul is someone that I look up to and want to be. He is my perfect balance. He is good at things that I am bad at and vice versa. We fit like a puzzle.
Because I believe this so truly that I have stayed with him this long, I really wonder what it would be like for us to be together full time. Would it work? Could it work? Are we a REAL couple? Or are we just a fantasy that we have been trying so desparately to live? If he actually moved here, would I still love him just the same? Gosh. The question that breaks my head open. I just don't know. I don't push him into moving. I whine, like a bitch sometimes, but I don't put any pressure on him. Maybe I have a couple times...but it hasn't been an issue anyway. But deep down...I am dying. If Mariah moves and he has a bad roommate, I can't go visit. Especially if he has to work one of the nights. And if he visits me and Mariah in NYC at the same time...I can't handle that. It will really hurt. I will never make it a problem, but it will crush me.
So all of this...and you know what???
fucking enough.
This has been a wonderfully introspective evening. The weather makes me so happy I want to cry. Thank G-d for Penelope. (Look...I left out the "O" for you so that you wouldn't have to bury this entry.)
I hope everyone feels good.
Peayce.
